I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize