listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize