why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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