oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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