I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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