I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
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