Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
