Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
