Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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