Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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