you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
