I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
