Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
