that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
