So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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