Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
