I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
