He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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