Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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