I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
