I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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