i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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