if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
