Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
