we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
