If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Randomize
