I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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