I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize