Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
