Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
