I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
