Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
