So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
