I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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