I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
