im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize