youre lurking in front of me
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
