I bet he comes in French.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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