The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
