So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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