I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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