remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
