Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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