i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
And then he peed in my hair
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