Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize