I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
