Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
