Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We are two peas in an std pod
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Text me some of your sweat
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
