So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
