theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
