I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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