my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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