It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
should my penis look like a turkey
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
