farters have to be the big spoon...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I will pee on everything he values.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
