Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You're like the curious george of whores
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
