just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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